For blogs with less than 300 Followers

For blogs with less than 300 Followers
Thanks to Hestia's Larder for this delightful award.
(For Blogs with less than 300 Followers)

Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Rules Guidelines Suggestions for the Ladies

Rules Help

In a previous post, I mentioned some rules that blokes who are partnered with a lovely lady may have to follow to live a peaceful, enjoyable and lengthy life. (Or at least it feels long)

After some deep cogitation and self-directed research learning (see, I WAS awake during Ringo's exposition), aided by copious amount of Laphroig to keep up my courage regarding the possible effects on my person if my Beloved actually read any of this stuff , I have formulated the following for the use of our lovely ladies (rather good brown-nose job here I thought)

Ladies, please read and try your best to follow the logic.

Blokes don't really do colour. If you want to describe material/paint/carpet/wallpaper/cars etc by an exquisitely phrased expression referring to a fruit/flower/bird or whatever, that's entirely up to you. Don't blame us if we don't understand.  Stick to the basics.  We DO recognise the primary colours; Black, Brown, Green etc.  You can prefix by "Light" or "Dark" if you must, but we get the picture quite easily.

Bloke's Colours

Blokes like to drink.  We quite understand that you really don't want to spend your night lying next to a sweating, smelly, bloke who is snoring fit to wake the dead, AND who's expressions of everlasting and fervent passion fails to materialise due to "Brewer's Droop". We understand, just don't ever mention it ever again.  We just like to drink, OK?

Blokes like to look.  Blokes like to look at pretty girls wearing tight/short/see-through dresses.  Blokes like to look at pretty girls wearing tight/short/see-through dresses even though he may be by your side, and even holding your hand.  ALL we are doing is comparing the standards of beauty of the observed pretty girl wearing a tight/short/see-through dress with the incomparable loveliness that is you.  If we have to spend a long time ogling staring observing the young thing, it is just to do a good job on the comparison.  You'll always win, so why complain? (I'm really proud of this one, I reckon it's a world beater.  I wonder if I could get nominated for next year's Blokes Awards?)

She's not as lovely as you my Darling

Blokes don't like to shop.  If you insist that we accompany you to an extended shopping expedition, please DON'T complain if we stand about with our hands in our pockets looking terminally bored.  If you try something on and ask for our suggestion be aware that we will always (unless it's getting near lunchtime and we want to hurry things along before hypoglycemic coma strikes) tell the Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth.  So if we say It makes you look fat then it does.  if we say the colour reminds you about the shade of dried mud on your gumboots then it is so. If we say that it's too bloody expensive, trust us. If we say the colour and cut of the dress/suit/skirt/trousers/apron/tea towel is exquisite and not only matches the colour of your beautiful eyes, but reminds you of our honeymoon by the shores of a Scottish Loch under a lover's moon, it's either near lunchtime, or it's just after lunchtime, and you've had a skinful of Speights Old Dark Malt.

Blokes don't need to ask for directions.  Blokes have a kind of built-in GPS system.  Blokes read maps and we don't get lost. If we decide to take the scenic route, that's up to us.  We're the designated driver. Unless it's on the way home after a skinful of Speights Old Dark Malt, and then you can drive. Just don't read a map. Ladies.  Please just don't read maps.  You'll just get confused and blame us. (The little red lines are roads, the little blue lines are rivers, the little black lines are either power lines, footpaths or invisible state/county boundaries.  We can only drive on the red lines. North is up)

Blokes like to stay in the cave shed home.  We've spent a fortune buying it and decorating it to your specifications.  It's comfortable and got everything we need (including a slight excess of power tools in the garage), so why do we have to leave it so often.  Have you never heard of just "Staying At Home"?

I don't want to leave. Ever.

I hope that any little ladies out there that read this understand that these are just the basics.  If you want the full list of what I laughingly call:

"Life's Essential Basics; 
Rules to Help Ladies Adjust to Partnered Life" 

then please send a stamp addressed envelope, enclosing $25 to defray the research costs (and the Speights Old Dark Malt) to :
c/o Nuova Lazio High School
Nuova Lazio
Lower Hutt
New Zealand

Please send in a plain brown envelope, no cheques.


  1. If she sees this - you ARE going to die TSB.

    Been nice knowing you!

    On the other hand I posted something similar before Christmas and mine's not clicked yet.......

  2. If you are shopping, God forbid, it actually pays to say that everything looks nice. That way a decision might be made quicker. Why throw in old Mr Doubt?

  3. Nice photo of the Man Cave/ Garage TSB. Almost as nice an comfy as mine. I have a vision to redecorate mine in the theme of an English Pub/Bar. Trouble is it is full of the stuff I'm collecting to put in this visoned bar.
    I got my inspiration from Rosy O'Grady's Irish pub. My dear old Dad used to retreat into his shed/Man Cave. As a kid I often found him hiding in their drinking beer and listening to his radio - either cricket or rugby or horse races. He told me he got thirsty after doing the gardening and mowing the lawns. Yeah Right - Would make a great Tui advert board. Now I am a mature married woman of the world I know better!

  4. I think I must be a man:
    I like to drink, I like to look, I hate shopping and I CAN read maps!

  5. I think my husband must be a woman: he likes to shop. If he is on the loose, unsupervised, with a credit card, watch out! OTOH, he asserts his masculinity by being color blind and enjoying the drink.

  6. My Old Girl is well aware of my dislike of shopping. She usually parks me in a wine bar while she shops. On longer expeditions she suggests a film. If she catches me looking at a young woman he says in a loud voice " why don't you go over and chat her up then" much to my embarassment.

  7. This is dangerous territory my friend.

  8. Firstly, an apology to everyone regarding the tardiness of my replies to your comments, but the amount of work I have to do at the moment at NLHS is horrendous.

    Alistair: Yep, I know, which is why I've added a little bitty firewall to her little bitty laptop which blocks ALL blogger websites. Shame, isn't it? Maybe the Chinese government are onto something after all.
    Didn't notice that post you mentioned. Can you give me the URL please?

    Richard: Not sure about this. Sufficient seeds of doubt sown can reduce the nuimber of times they ask US to accompany them, so could be benificial.

    VG: I sometimes dream of getting a laziboy down to the garage with a small TV and a minibar. *sigh* Dreams are nice, but often unobtainable.

    Pinky: Nice to hear from you again. Nobody could mistake you for a bloke. You're the exception that proves the rule. Look, ANYONE who has pictures of a pink ukulele is definitely female. Trust me on this.

    Patience_Crabstick: I forgot to mention the exception to the male anti-shopping thing. Power tools and anything that smells of petrol, runs on diesel or needs more than 4KWh. The drink thing and the colour-blindness just help to amplify the extremes.

    TC: You lucky bloke, getting intrinsic permission to go for a little drinky while SHE is shopping.

    As far as the comments on the looking are concerned; you unlucky bloke being partnered up with a lady who DOES NOT PLAY BY THE RULES.

    Laoch: Yep, I like the adrenaline rush.

    BDM: Thanks for visiting and commenting. Glad you liked it. Just out of curiosity, how did you find my wee blog.

  9. (I've commented before ...) came to you from the blog of your brother-in-spirit, Tired Dad. Blokes Awards, no question.

  10. It's not shopping per se I don't like, it's trailing round these life-sapping shopping centres with all their hard floors, constant pop music, and glass and chrome everywhere, teenagers showing their bottoms to each other with thos silly trousers they wear.

    Shopping in Kendal OTOH can be quite pleasant. Independent shops, and there are plenty of pubs (naturally the rule is - shop till lunchtime, then a long boozy dinner).

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Site Meter